I let myself down a little yesterday but gave myself some grace. I didn’t make it into the studio because I had a hard day at work. Sometimes, the manual labor of manufacturing can be grueling, even with all the automation. The only time I visited the studio was to grab a beer from the refrigerator after I got home. I intentionally keep the beer there, so I have to walk to the studio to get it—so in a way, I guess I did show up after all.
As I walked past the wheels, clean tables, and empty drying racks, I felt a pang of guilt. The emptiness seemed to symbolize failure, a reminder of what I hadn’t done. But reflecting on it now, I realize how hard I worked to create this space for myself. The studio, the equipment, the dinner I enjoyed after work—they’re all blessings, not burdens. Many others aren’t so lucky. Some are struggling with high rent during a housing shortage, with no studio of their own, or relying on shared community spaces. Others work in seasonal studios, braving the cold in unheated spaces far from the comforts of a warm basement.
It might seem like a humblebrag, but that’s not my intention. I’m trying to talk myself out of feeling bad for not spending more time in the studio than it took to grab a beer. Today is another demanding 12-hour shift, but tonight I’ll aim to spend a little longer there. With the next two days off, I plan to fire the kiln and mail out pots. Two and a half days can be productive if I make the most of the time I have.
I hope your day goes well and that you show up for yourself a little more than I did yesterday. I often show up more for others than I do for myself, mostly because I get paid to. While I’m fortunate to work with a good team at the big paper factory, I work there primarily because the pay is decent and the job keeps me physically active. How lucky am I to be able to work twice—once for the factory and again for the pots! How lucky am I to still have the ability to create! I need to make better use of the time I have because time takes everything as change inevitably comes. The only freedom we truly have lies in our attitudes and reactions. Maybe I can react better.
If I were living today a second time, I would have:
I would have made at least one thing after work.
Things I am grateful for:
The job at the paper factory. It pays for everything.
If I get to live to be 86, I only have:
13181 days left.
You showed up at the studio, after all. What's important is that you maintained the streak of walking there, even if it were only to grab that beer (I'm sure the pot you drank it from was ecstatic!). Keep going – and let go of the guilt (it's just a ghost in your mind)!